Disintergrating smiles

“I caught a glimpse, but it’s been forgotten”

Hiding from faces I will never see again, just to know a smile will be on that face, even though I won't see it. You forget how predictable young minds are, but then realizations set in and you feel stupid for forgetting.

No real plan in mind, just letting my fingers do the work, or lack of, for now. So let your eyes continue to feed off this and stop your brain from starving, my standard is too high for somebody’s mind to die of starvation. Oh, there is that arrogance that seems to bounce so cleanly off the page but not clean enough to avoid smearing my thought process. Now that irony has played its part, it shall sit back and enjoy the ride and let something else take control of the wheel.

And now a familiar face returns to centre stage, but now familiar only by name, not by presence. Walls are suddenly shorter, almost beaten to the ground, gone like they never existed. And people who were once on the inside are now suddenly left isolated. Friendships have now taken an unexpected sudden beating. Like they’ve been thrown into a boxing ring and beaten to a pulp, left almost unrecognizable… except the aggressor has done nothing. Oh the irony.

Trying to keep afloat in a sea of anger will always be a challenge and the lack of support will only infuriate you more. Swim through your problems and don’t let the current tear you off course, that’s when things could get problematic. So continue on your path and when the time is right, that (un)familiar face might join you again. But that’s all out of your control, unfortunately. The only game you’ll be playing is the one that requires waiting, and let’s face it, that’s fucking tedious at the best of times. And as you stare at that double edged sword faced with both happiness and irritation, you can only but hope she will see the light, and right her wrongs, but that my friend may prove a challenge when she is blinded by joy.

So as you wait and wonder if things will ever return to how they once were back on sunny spring Saturday afternoons, before the potential rebound came along and pre drinks were all too early along with friendly insults and smudged eyes because of inebriation, you can walk away knowing you gave it your all and that you were a true friend.

But that’s life, you try and catch what it throws at you, and if you can’t you give it your best damn shot to prepare yourself the next time a curve ball might be heading your way.

I should have gone to bed a long time ago, but my fingers had too much to say.

“I feel used and abused.”

Fancy clothes & diamond rings

“You know hearts these days aren’t cheap.”

Perfectly phrased passages forgotten all because I couldn’t be bothered rolling over. And as I sit here and try to think what that sentence said, I won’t be able to remember it for the life of me. But that doesn’t matter; sentences just as fitting will no doubt be coined.

Permission seeked some time ago is only now being brought to the fore. The subject matter is the same, but as each word presents itself on the page, for your mind to digest, the rest of you come to realize the circumstances aren’t what they used to be because someone fished that little too much. Luckily you’ve put your rod away, don’t want you poking at things that will only cause more pain. But you’re used to it. Smile on your face, dead behind the eyes. Steel ribbed, black hearted, dead inside. You know the deal.

Keep your mouth shut, slowly weed him out, open the window, but only a quarter of an inch, just enough for you to slip out, but at the same time, enough for him to catch you if he is quick enough. But we know you won’t be waiting around. No, you’ve made your choice, and you’re sticking to your guns. Walking solo down that path, until Friday night, at least, then who knows what will happen. What we do know is that you’re prepared. Prepared for the best, and prepared for the worst. Expectations are at 180 degrees, disappointment standing in its shadow, taking a backseat ride until prompted. One thing we can expect is disappointment. The brilliance of that last sentence cannot be missed. The ego has been fed, back to business.

And as we look back on what once was, that night you don’t want to talk of, the night that will remain in the depths of your mind, locked away and buried with your worst nightmares, there are positives to take out of this, like everything. The stimulation, the laughter, the challenge(s), the growth, the way he made sentences stand up and be noticed without putting Viagra in the ink. Most importantly, you still have yourself, but better. Embrace it.

He had his chance, he blew it, right out of the water, sky high, and now it’s coming back down at rate so fast it is going to crush him. Such is life.

And as an intimate acoustic tune rings out through my speakers, I know that this is now complete.

“And one day, he will lose the best part of his life.”

Stone walls & open thoughts

“I need you to talk me out of not leaving him and giving him a shot when he returns.”

And my umpteenth piece pours itself onto my page with relative ease but at a not so routinely time. Then again, nothing is ever routinely when creativity is pouring out of my fingertips matched by the eagerness in your eyes. Wednesday nights usually don’t finish till the early hours of the morning, but I guess there are always exceptions. Heavy eyes and early starts the only reason this is in front of you.

Some walls have been removed but at the same time others are standing higher than ever before. Taking a break, blending in, holding back, that’s what it’s all about now. Four and a half thousand miles is all it took. Amazing what can change the way we look at things, besides the tilt of our head. Those who are in can see through your cold stone walls and those who stand stationary on the outside wonder what the other side is like. But he, knows it all to well, without having done a thing, except be himself. He, who sits at the front of your mind and consumes your thought process. He, who you vow to fix, and won’t sleep soundly at night until you do so. And you, cave in without realizing you’ve done so. Then everything starts falling into place, depending which side of the fence you’re standing on. Religious celebrations leave a mark as to where things are going, and you’re all the better off. A cask of wine, or a bottle of a champagne, accompanied by some finger food and small talk, is just the beginning of the scene. Four hours later you’re in bed and he’s arrived when the time came to. Nothing new, except the bed sheets the following night.

And suddenly this is taking a different course, something out of right field, one that I didn’t even predict until about 20 minutes ago. And as you sit there and wonder if it’s you who is still the protagonist, after finishing this sentence, you know you won’t be.

Storm clouds roll in and the light drops of doubt start to rain in your thought process. Self doubt is a powerful thing, if you let it take over and reign supreme. So get out your sword of optimism and conquer those cynical thoughts. Climb the ladder of belief and gaze down upon the open world full of potential in all its glory. Let those pearly whites draw someone in, but only when the time is right. And then, skepticism shall be defeated, and life will be fine, again. Disappointment won’t even dare to sprint through your mind and open brackets paired with a colon will only be a distant memory.

Now you’re the protagonist, again, after a brief stint out of the spotlight. It’s you who decides which side the grass is greener on. Look carefully though, a double-take could be your downfall. But you already fell long ago.

Suddenly the flow of this is disturbing me. Fuck it, some things just aren’t meant to be perfect. It’s better this way. Its imperfections are what make this perfect.

Hate on my toast and a teaspoon of love in my coffee, just to balance things out.

“Don’t worry about society. Ever.”

Love/hate Cry/laugh Dwell/move

“Sometimes you gotta do something for yourself... I’ve given him some time....”

Those somewhat impenetrable six foot walls are standing tall once again and you refuse to let them down. You’re back to a place where you don’t want to be. A place where faces are long and moods are somber, a place where people have forgotten what happiness is, what happiness means. Back to square one, or should I say one point five? The doors locked but you can still see through the cracks. Hope is gone, dead and buried but if he shows up at any given time foolishness will take over and I’ll be saying I told you so, again. But let’s not be contemplating the unlikely here, we don’t want you teeing yourself up for disappointment, you’ve have enough of that lately.

One minute things are fine, the next you’re glancing over your shoulder and everything has changed. Just like somebody has snapped their fingers and made shit hit the fan and splatter all over your walls in your now not-so-perfect world. Ties were severed, then you were worse off, now you’re not so bad and those pearly whites are making more appearances as days go by.

Words exchanged over drinks that look remarkably similar to the skyline on a December evening in unlikely booths reveal there is more to the story and an unexpected side to which I am now privy to. The claws come out but don’t pierce through his sometime armor plated emotion, only because you’re in control of that. All it takes is one question and you’re trying to make two wrongs a right. But those three faces staring back at you that night know you’re better than that. So it’s up to you if you want to prove us right, or wrong, for that matter. Balls in your court, where you hit it is entirely up to you. Don’t mishit it, things could get messy.

People knock on doors and expect answers straight away, but sometimes it doesn’t always work, so you keep trying, then eventually you get an answer. Whether it’s the one you want or not is another question.

He had your heart, and he broke it by saying nothing, and that, my friend was deafening silence.

“When you’re alone, you ain’t nothing but alone.”

Mirrors

“The times they are a changing”

Four years go by then with a sudden change, your whole world comes crashing down and you’re left helpless like a wounded soldier in the middle of a deserted minefield. Wondering what you did wrong, or what you could have done to try and prevent it from happening, if you had another chance. But you didn’t, and never will. That one weekend changed everything. Makes you wonder what if he went the weekend before, or after, would you be sitting here reading this with such intensity or would you be out replicating a(ny) weekend from the past your years? Something we will never know.

That mutual friend draws you back together but can’t quite complete the sketch. The pen of tragedy was working hard while you’re trying to re-write your own happiness. He extends the arm for you to grab on to, but your grip isn’t water tight because someone else is in the picture. And he can’t decide who wants to stay. Decisions, decisions. He has made his bed, now he can lie in it and face the consequences of poor choices. Like a fish out of water, flip, flop, flip flop. Back and forth, doesn’t know what he’s doing. He fed you spoonfuls of bullshit and you did your job at consuming it.

Just when you thought that door was slammed shut permanently, and you’re near the top of conquering Mount Heartache, he decides to knock that door down and make himself comfortable in you’re still semi-heartbroken life. Whispers in his ear and you’re the one living life like a cynic with a box of tissues attached to your hip, while he attempts his best to exchange saliva with a girl he will never see the morning after.

When you’re staring each other in the face, it’s like nothing ever happened. Like a calm before a storm, except no storm was to be expected. Then, throw a few familiar faces in that mixture you call life and you’re suddenly just another face in the crowd not worth knowing.

Building a foundation for years to come only to never live it out together. How ironic. I guess that’s life though, out of your hands, and, uncontrollable.

Open the windows and smell the fresh air; this fire was out long ago.

Let bygones be bygones; because he hasn’t.

“So put your foot to the floor darling and don’t look back”

Best friends & hypocrites

“Now you can’t break the ties that bind.”

When subtleties come to the fore and make themselves seen, suddenly everything is different. Thoughts may become even more caged while wandering eyes must remain idle. Then, you… I, realize that the thought hiding away in the back of my mind may become reality. But that’s worse case scenario, and we don’t want that happening. And as unconvincing as that last sentence sounds, know that I mean it. Fuck it; you’re never going to read this anyway, so does that make it unneeded justification or self validation? How the mind boggles. Your choice, or is it mine? You can decide. Looks like it’s yours.

Happiness comes at a price & so does selflessness, this is about me, for a change. Cynicism is making itself known, with the thoughts of it not lasting sprinting through my head and how that will affect things. How it will affect us, collectively. But airing my thoughts in the open would carry its own trouble. So I’ll leave those thoughts tucked away and let them bounce off my own bedroom walls, where I can catch them and keep recycling them. Then the feeling of guilt rings in to make its difficult appointment with my conscience. If things don’t end up so sweet in X amount of years can there be a positive outcome? You know, being split down the middle. Allegiances lie deeper in one camp than the other, but even then, it is not as clear cut as it once was. Routines wouldn’t be so routinely anymore, and time would have to be split. But that’s all hypothetical’s anyway, let’s not worry about that, until it rears its ugly head. Then it shall be dealt with in due course.

There I am, alone in the corner. Isolated in an empty room full of thoughts, imagining what’s being exchanged over a drink or two. But that’s all that can be done, imagine. I might run across someone’s lips once or twice, but that’s the only appearance I’ll ever make, for a while it seems anyway. And as I sat there unknowingly in the back of their minds, tucked away behind a million and one other thoughts, one day I will be seen. One day, when it’s probably too late. And here I was thinking I was optimistic.

Spots on leopards never change and some people just don’t grow up. But that can be expected with limited brain power. Oh, how harsh of me to look down on others from my higher place of moral ground. Stiff shit. You have to look up at everyone anyway, you should be used to it. Bitch.

A little rigid, and a little off centre. Fuck it, it was about time I mixed things up.

You’re your own worst critic. That I am.

“Sometimes you need to be selfish.”

Admissions & Heartbreak

“I do know I’ve never missed someone so much that it physically hurts, either.”

There are two tragedies in life: One is to lose your hearts desire, the other is to gain it.

On your marks. Set. Wait.

Things are getting sketchy, whip out the pencil again and get straight back to the drawing board and make sure you establish a clearer picture.

Hearts are half-breaking, minds are wandering and that’s just you. You’re holding yourself back and your arms are folded, refusing to open up and allow an embrace, albeit him being 10,000 kilometers away. You’re distancing yourself and pushing yourself away. The unknown is bouncing off silence and making you run.

It’s been three weeks and he’s cushioned your fall, once. Now that you’re approaching the cliff’s edge, again, you wonder if that was just coincidence playing its part in the game we call life or if he really does just know. Time tells all. But don’t wait around, that could prove to be costly. Or it could prove to be your wisest move yet. It’s turning into your own game of chess, where you’re both pawns. You just have to play strategically, and move wisely, bide your time and stay sharp, otherwise, things might go pear shaped.

Look in the mirror and you see his face staring straight back at you. Mimicking your actions, duplicating your thought process, feeling the craving you feel, but doing nothing about it. You know each other like the back of the others hand and you’re both too stubborn to give each other the satisfaction that you think about each other. How the mind boggles. Put the control down, stop pushing buttons and look at those scattered glass shards reflecting on his broken heart. That glass heart has shattered once, that’s enough for this lifetime. It’s up to you to pick it up and put it back together, if you have the courage, that is.

Leave that lid on things and you’ll probably end up worse, but nothing you wouldn’t have experienced before. Doesn’t mean it will be any easier.

Stay strong, and don’t give up. Keep the faith. And if you don’t, I damn well will.

“I miss him.”

Essentials.

Inspirational.

Influential.

Unique.

Individual.

Witty.

Guarded.

Amazing.

A brilliant mind.

Brilliantly simple & simply brilliant.

Driven.

Stunning.

Trustworthy.

Alluring.

Charismatic.

You.

Solutions

“I'm done with the games, I'll show him when he gets back.”

The urge is back and the match has been ignited and your eyes are ready to be set alight with amazement. It’s been three or so months, probably more, too long in between drinks if you ask me. But hey, three lines in and it seems like nothing has changed and everything is just flowing, the dots are being joined with ease and my fingertips just know what keys to hit. All because of a simple question. It can take the smallest thing to get things going again. And your question was it.

It’s eating you alive. Nibbling away, causing some discomfort in your frontal lobe. And there is nothing you can do about it because he’s half a world and 119 days away. Cue the slowest 119 days of your life to date. Unless, you can keep yourself occupied wondering. Wondering about him. Things change subtly, but you’re asking them to be put on display so he can pick up on the changes. And now, suddenly I am left wondering if the previous sentence links, and if I’ve started one too many sentences with the same word. Fuck it, if something is too perfect, you pick holes in it anyway. So as this continues, that four letter word makes itself (un)comfortable in the back of your mind and you can’t quite shake it. Not that you want to. Embrace it with semi open arms, clutch at it, not like you would with straws. Like you’re holding on to something tight.

Your walls are finally down, but not without caution hanging around. Face value is now going to be your second best friend as reading between the lines and hidden agendas take an unfamiliar back seat. But you said it yourself, he’s changed you, and the evidence is starting to come to light. So with the light shining on your new ways, and sly actions just a thing of the past, go for gold. Love him with all of your being, because, you, offer more than you will ever know.

“because I want to believe that I could ever be loved by him.”

But you’re willing to wait it out, and hope, have hope that he’ll come back the same person you knew a week ago. But that’s all you can do, hope.

“You’re turning into something you are not”