Best friends & hypocrites

“Now you can’t break the ties that bind.”

When subtleties come to the fore and make themselves seen, suddenly everything is different. Thoughts may become even more caged while wandering eyes must remain idle. Then, you… I, realize that the thought hiding away in the back of my mind may become reality. But that’s worse case scenario, and we don’t want that happening. And as unconvincing as that last sentence sounds, know that I mean it. Fuck it; you’re never going to read this anyway, so does that make it unneeded justification or self validation? How the mind boggles. Your choice, or is it mine? You can decide. Looks like it’s yours.

Happiness comes at a price & so does selflessness, this is about me, for a change. Cynicism is making itself known, with the thoughts of it not lasting sprinting through my head and how that will affect things. How it will affect us, collectively. But airing my thoughts in the open would carry its own trouble. So I’ll leave those thoughts tucked away and let them bounce off my own bedroom walls, where I can catch them and keep recycling them. Then the feeling of guilt rings in to make its difficult appointment with my conscience. If things don’t end up so sweet in X amount of years can there be a positive outcome? You know, being split down the middle. Allegiances lie deeper in one camp than the other, but even then, it is not as clear cut as it once was. Routines wouldn’t be so routinely anymore, and time would have to be split. But that’s all hypothetical’s anyway, let’s not worry about that, until it rears its ugly head. Then it shall be dealt with in due course.

There I am, alone in the corner. Isolated in an empty room full of thoughts, imagining what’s being exchanged over a drink or two. But that’s all that can be done, imagine. I might run across someone’s lips once or twice, but that’s the only appearance I’ll ever make, for a while it seems anyway. And as I sat there unknowingly in the back of their minds, tucked away behind a million and one other thoughts, one day I will be seen. One day, when it’s probably too late. And here I was thinking I was optimistic.

Spots on leopards never change and some people just don’t grow up. But that can be expected with limited brain power. Oh, how harsh of me to look down on others from my higher place of moral ground. Stiff shit. You have to look up at everyone anyway, you should be used to it. Bitch.

A little rigid, and a little off centre. Fuck it, it was about time I mixed things up.

You’re your own worst critic. That I am.

“Sometimes you need to be selfish.”

Admissions & Heartbreak

“I do know I’ve never missed someone so much that it physically hurts, either.”

There are two tragedies in life: One is to lose your hearts desire, the other is to gain it.

On your marks. Set. Wait.

Things are getting sketchy, whip out the pencil again and get straight back to the drawing board and make sure you establish a clearer picture.

Hearts are half-breaking, minds are wandering and that’s just you. You’re holding yourself back and your arms are folded, refusing to open up and allow an embrace, albeit him being 10,000 kilometers away. You’re distancing yourself and pushing yourself away. The unknown is bouncing off silence and making you run.

It’s been three weeks and he’s cushioned your fall, once. Now that you’re approaching the cliff’s edge, again, you wonder if that was just coincidence playing its part in the game we call life or if he really does just know. Time tells all. But don’t wait around, that could prove to be costly. Or it could prove to be your wisest move yet. It’s turning into your own game of chess, where you’re both pawns. You just have to play strategically, and move wisely, bide your time and stay sharp, otherwise, things might go pear shaped.

Look in the mirror and you see his face staring straight back at you. Mimicking your actions, duplicating your thought process, feeling the craving you feel, but doing nothing about it. You know each other like the back of the others hand and you’re both too stubborn to give each other the satisfaction that you think about each other. How the mind boggles. Put the control down, stop pushing buttons and look at those scattered glass shards reflecting on his broken heart. That glass heart has shattered once, that’s enough for this lifetime. It’s up to you to pick it up and put it back together, if you have the courage, that is.

Leave that lid on things and you’ll probably end up worse, but nothing you wouldn’t have experienced before. Doesn’t mean it will be any easier.

Stay strong, and don’t give up. Keep the faith. And if you don’t, I damn well will.

“I miss him.”

Essentials.

Inspirational.

Influential.

Unique.

Individual.

Witty.

Guarded.

Amazing.

A brilliant mind.

Brilliantly simple & simply brilliant.

Driven.

Stunning.

Trustworthy.

Alluring.

Charismatic.

You.

Solutions

“I'm done with the games, I'll show him when he gets back.”

The urge is back and the match has been ignited and your eyes are ready to be set alight with amazement. It’s been three or so months, probably more, too long in between drinks if you ask me. But hey, three lines in and it seems like nothing has changed and everything is just flowing, the dots are being joined with ease and my fingertips just know what keys to hit. All because of a simple question. It can take the smallest thing to get things going again. And your question was it.

It’s eating you alive. Nibbling away, causing some discomfort in your frontal lobe. And there is nothing you can do about it because he’s half a world and 119 days away. Cue the slowest 119 days of your life to date. Unless, you can keep yourself occupied wondering. Wondering about him. Things change subtly, but you’re asking them to be put on display so he can pick up on the changes. And now, suddenly I am left wondering if the previous sentence links, and if I’ve started one too many sentences with the same word. Fuck it, if something is too perfect, you pick holes in it anyway. So as this continues, that four letter word makes itself (un)comfortable in the back of your mind and you can’t quite shake it. Not that you want to. Embrace it with semi open arms, clutch at it, not like you would with straws. Like you’re holding on to something tight.

Your walls are finally down, but not without caution hanging around. Face value is now going to be your second best friend as reading between the lines and hidden agendas take an unfamiliar back seat. But you said it yourself, he’s changed you, and the evidence is starting to come to light. So with the light shining on your new ways, and sly actions just a thing of the past, go for gold. Love him with all of your being, because, you, offer more than you will ever know.

“because I want to believe that I could ever be loved by him.”

But you’re willing to wait it out, and hope, have hope that he’ll come back the same person you knew a week ago. But that’s all you can do, hope.

“You’re turning into something you are not”