Broken hearts & watery eyes

“You’re the only one who really cares.”

And there it is again, another “promise” severed. The door is bolted shut and it seems it won’t open ever again. The irregular heart beat remains, but only on one side of the wall. All it takes is one sentence to be spoken and your darkest fears are suddenly staring you right in the face and all you can do is share stories with your heartbreak in the back corner. Suddenly your computer screen is the bearer of bad news and your once ideal world is no longer a model for perfection. So there you are, downing bottles of champagne, locked away, away from the world, attempting to drown your broken heart albeit only for a few hours. But the pain will just be as real come 12 hours and will still be looking at you eye to eye and will have you questioning where you potentially went wrong. You can’t hide from your insecurities though. They’ll always be there, every moment, of every day, staring back at you in the bathroom mirror every morning. Then all that’s running through your mind are what ifs and alternate scenarios, but you’re too tired to keep up with them.

Shaken to your core by another “man” once more, and in an instant, he’s up and left just like the others. Seems to be an all too familiar trend. Once you’re through the walls and crossed over the trust lines, when you think it’s all plain sailing, someone decides to take a shit in your life and smear it all over the happy bits. Then you sit there pondering what you’ve done or where you could have done different. Before you know it, your mascara has left a black trail of sadness down your cheeks and you’re left dehydrated because of that salty taste. Then you’re back to places that only house welled up eyes and shattered hearts that are in a million different pieces. It still doesn’t get any easier, though. No matter how many times you’re abandoned, it’s never easy enough to smile and say you’ll be fine and get on with it. That would be too easy. What would life be without its hurdles? Problem is, you’re thrown out on the track far too often and you don’t have the energy to keep jumping the obstacles that are thrown at you in these times of adversity.

You can only put up with so much before breaking point is no longer on the horizon. Before it’s a distant thought…. Before it’s looking you eye to eye and taunting you. Then you try and end it, and everything you’ve ever known will be gone. Including you. Such an irreversible idea doesn’t just come out of thin air. Suddenly you’re warming to the act and it’s become more than a friend. It’s begun seducing you and it’s left you naked, and exposed. It’s stripped you down to the bone, down to your core and nothing has been left to the imagination. Except your insides. That black heart isn’t so dark anymore and now you’re more recognizable.

And as time wears on, and that solo plays throughout my headphones for the umpteenth time, and as I lose myself in its sheer brilliance familiar thoughts start darting across my mind that had temporarily hidden themselves away. Now, they’re out in the open for all to criticize and pass judgment.

You’ve opened up to those who are luckily enough but the walls still remain. Although your doors are still locked, and your heart is still caged. That is something that will never change.

“He left.”

Novelties & Pretenses

“I liked him a lot.”

Five months on and those bridges are still burnt and they don’t look like they’re going to be resurrected any time soon. Decisions made, and still unchanged have left you wondering what could have been and the mere thought eats away at you and sits itself not so comfortably at the front of your mind. But that is all you can do, wonder.

It had to start somewhere. That Saturday night you were just another unfamiliar face to each other, both with just a friend in tow and looking to severely batter your liver. Then all of a sudden you’re introducing your tongue to his friend and all he can do is stand there and watch and turn green with envy. But that was only temporary. You’re tracked down and he appears in the form of a red box and before you know it you’re swapping numbers and flirting over coffee. Then that little switch is flicked and realizations are made but like every girl, you’re not sure whether it’s for better or worse and uncontrolled paranoia makes itself known every now and then.

Feelings grow with each encounter and after initiating contact, lack of protection stops things growing and going further. But all in due course, bonds were made, only to be broken further down the track after the walls came down, and just as quick as they came down, they shot back up just as fast. Melancholy sneaks in and has front row seats to a show that’s ending is imminent. Climaxes finally reached after you’ve bared all and there isn’t worth much left to watch in this cliché and all there is left to do is sit and wonder where it all went wrong. Your world comes crashing down after the truth is revealed and your initial thoughts prove you right for the umpteenth time.

Drunken thoughts combined with a keypad put the final nail in the coffin and bury what you had once and for all. And that’s where it shall stay – buried in the crevices of your mind and memories will remain but will only surface selectively. Don’t let the finale be the memory to ignite you with spite.

Small steps paved the way for what proved to be an eventual return to those walls standing tall once again. Just as everything was falling into place deceit and other five foot something’s got in the way of your little fairytale. It’s always the way.

And just like that, you’re no longer filling the void.

“I hope you’re happy.”

Disintergrating smiles

“I caught a glimpse, but it’s been forgotten”

Hiding from faces I will never see again, just to know a smile will be on that face, even though I won't see it. You forget how predictable young minds are, but then realizations set in and you feel stupid for forgetting.

No real plan in mind, just letting my fingers do the work, or lack of, for now. So let your eyes continue to feed off this and stop your brain from starving, my standard is too high for somebody’s mind to die of starvation. Oh, there is that arrogance that seems to bounce so cleanly off the page but not clean enough to avoid smearing my thought process. Now that irony has played its part, it shall sit back and enjoy the ride and let something else take control of the wheel.

And now a familiar face returns to centre stage, but now familiar only by name, not by presence. Walls are suddenly shorter, almost beaten to the ground, gone like they never existed. And people who were once on the inside are now suddenly left isolated. Friendships have now taken an unexpected sudden beating. Like they’ve been thrown into a boxing ring and beaten to a pulp, left almost unrecognizable… except the aggressor has done nothing. Oh the irony.

Trying to keep afloat in a sea of anger will always be a challenge and the lack of support will only infuriate you more. Swim through your problems and don’t let the current tear you off course, that’s when things could get problematic. So continue on your path and when the time is right, that (un)familiar face might join you again. But that’s all out of your control, unfortunately. The only game you’ll be playing is the one that requires waiting, and let’s face it, that’s fucking tedious at the best of times. And as you stare at that double edged sword faced with both happiness and irritation, you can only but hope she will see the light, and right her wrongs, but that my friend may prove a challenge when she is blinded by joy.

So as you wait and wonder if things will ever return to how they once were back on sunny spring Saturday afternoons, before the potential rebound came along and pre drinks were all too early along with friendly insults and smudged eyes because of inebriation, you can walk away knowing you gave it your all and that you were a true friend.

But that’s life, you try and catch what it throws at you, and if you can’t you give it your best damn shot to prepare yourself the next time a curve ball might be heading your way.

I should have gone to bed a long time ago, but my fingers had too much to say.

“I feel used and abused.”

Fancy clothes & diamond rings

“You know hearts these days aren’t cheap.”

Perfectly phrased passages forgotten all because I couldn’t be bothered rolling over. And as I sit here and try to think what that sentence said, I won’t be able to remember it for the life of me. But that doesn’t matter; sentences just as fitting will no doubt be coined.

Permission seeked some time ago is only now being brought to the fore. The subject matter is the same, but as each word presents itself on the page, for your mind to digest, the rest of you come to realize the circumstances aren’t what they used to be because someone fished that little too much. Luckily you’ve put your rod away, don’t want you poking at things that will only cause more pain. But you’re used to it. Smile on your face, dead behind the eyes. Steel ribbed, black hearted, dead inside. You know the deal.

Keep your mouth shut, slowly weed him out, open the window, but only a quarter of an inch, just enough for you to slip out, but at the same time, enough for him to catch you if he is quick enough. But we know you won’t be waiting around. No, you’ve made your choice, and you’re sticking to your guns. Walking solo down that path, until Friday night, at least, then who knows what will happen. What we do know is that you’re prepared. Prepared for the best, and prepared for the worst. Expectations are at 180 degrees, disappointment standing in its shadow, taking a backseat ride until prompted. One thing we can expect is disappointment. The brilliance of that last sentence cannot be missed. The ego has been fed, back to business.

And as we look back on what once was, that night you don’t want to talk of, the night that will remain in the depths of your mind, locked away and buried with your worst nightmares, there are positives to take out of this, like everything. The stimulation, the laughter, the challenge(s), the growth, the way he made sentences stand up and be noticed without putting Viagra in the ink. Most importantly, you still have yourself, but better. Embrace it.

He had his chance, he blew it, right out of the water, sky high, and now it’s coming back down at rate so fast it is going to crush him. Such is life.

And as an intimate acoustic tune rings out through my speakers, I know that this is now complete.

“And one day, he will lose the best part of his life.”

Stone walls & open thoughts

“I need you to talk me out of not leaving him and giving him a shot when he returns.”

And my umpteenth piece pours itself onto my page with relative ease but at a not so routinely time. Then again, nothing is ever routinely when creativity is pouring out of my fingertips matched by the eagerness in your eyes. Wednesday nights usually don’t finish till the early hours of the morning, but I guess there are always exceptions. Heavy eyes and early starts the only reason this is in front of you.

Some walls have been removed but at the same time others are standing higher than ever before. Taking a break, blending in, holding back, that’s what it’s all about now. Four and a half thousand miles is all it took. Amazing what can change the way we look at things, besides the tilt of our head. Those who are in can see through your cold stone walls and those who stand stationary on the outside wonder what the other side is like. But he, knows it all to well, without having done a thing, except be himself. He, who sits at the front of your mind and consumes your thought process. He, who you vow to fix, and won’t sleep soundly at night until you do so. And you, cave in without realizing you’ve done so. Then everything starts falling into place, depending which side of the fence you’re standing on. Religious celebrations leave a mark as to where things are going, and you’re all the better off. A cask of wine, or a bottle of a champagne, accompanied by some finger food and small talk, is just the beginning of the scene. Four hours later you’re in bed and he’s arrived when the time came to. Nothing new, except the bed sheets the following night.

And suddenly this is taking a different course, something out of right field, one that I didn’t even predict until about 20 minutes ago. And as you sit there and wonder if it’s you who is still the protagonist, after finishing this sentence, you know you won’t be.

Storm clouds roll in and the light drops of doubt start to rain in your thought process. Self doubt is a powerful thing, if you let it take over and reign supreme. So get out your sword of optimism and conquer those cynical thoughts. Climb the ladder of belief and gaze down upon the open world full of potential in all its glory. Let those pearly whites draw someone in, but only when the time is right. And then, skepticism shall be defeated, and life will be fine, again. Disappointment won’t even dare to sprint through your mind and open brackets paired with a colon will only be a distant memory.

Now you’re the protagonist, again, after a brief stint out of the spotlight. It’s you who decides which side the grass is greener on. Look carefully though, a double-take could be your downfall. But you already fell long ago.

Suddenly the flow of this is disturbing me. Fuck it, some things just aren’t meant to be perfect. It’s better this way. Its imperfections are what make this perfect.

Hate on my toast and a teaspoon of love in my coffee, just to balance things out.

“Don’t worry about society. Ever.”

Love/hate Cry/laugh Dwell/move

“Sometimes you gotta do something for yourself... I’ve given him some time....”

Those somewhat impenetrable six foot walls are standing tall once again and you refuse to let them down. You’re back to a place where you don’t want to be. A place where faces are long and moods are somber, a place where people have forgotten what happiness is, what happiness means. Back to square one, or should I say one point five? The doors locked but you can still see through the cracks. Hope is gone, dead and buried but if he shows up at any given time foolishness will take over and I’ll be saying I told you so, again. But let’s not be contemplating the unlikely here, we don’t want you teeing yourself up for disappointment, you’ve have enough of that lately.

One minute things are fine, the next you’re glancing over your shoulder and everything has changed. Just like somebody has snapped their fingers and made shit hit the fan and splatter all over your walls in your now not-so-perfect world. Ties were severed, then you were worse off, now you’re not so bad and those pearly whites are making more appearances as days go by.

Words exchanged over drinks that look remarkably similar to the skyline on a December evening in unlikely booths reveal there is more to the story and an unexpected side to which I am now privy to. The claws come out but don’t pierce through his sometime armor plated emotion, only because you’re in control of that. All it takes is one question and you’re trying to make two wrongs a right. But those three faces staring back at you that night know you’re better than that. So it’s up to you if you want to prove us right, or wrong, for that matter. Balls in your court, where you hit it is entirely up to you. Don’t mishit it, things could get messy.

People knock on doors and expect answers straight away, but sometimes it doesn’t always work, so you keep trying, then eventually you get an answer. Whether it’s the one you want or not is another question.

He had your heart, and he broke it by saying nothing, and that, my friend was deafening silence.

“When you’re alone, you ain’t nothing but alone.”

Mirrors

“The times they are a changing”

Four years go by then with a sudden change, your whole world comes crashing down and you’re left helpless like a wounded soldier in the middle of a deserted minefield. Wondering what you did wrong, or what you could have done to try and prevent it from happening, if you had another chance. But you didn’t, and never will. That one weekend changed everything. Makes you wonder what if he went the weekend before, or after, would you be sitting here reading this with such intensity or would you be out replicating a(ny) weekend from the past your years? Something we will never know.

That mutual friend draws you back together but can’t quite complete the sketch. The pen of tragedy was working hard while you’re trying to re-write your own happiness. He extends the arm for you to grab on to, but your grip isn’t water tight because someone else is in the picture. And he can’t decide who wants to stay. Decisions, decisions. He has made his bed, now he can lie in it and face the consequences of poor choices. Like a fish out of water, flip, flop, flip flop. Back and forth, doesn’t know what he’s doing. He fed you spoonfuls of bullshit and you did your job at consuming it.

Just when you thought that door was slammed shut permanently, and you’re near the top of conquering Mount Heartache, he decides to knock that door down and make himself comfortable in you’re still semi-heartbroken life. Whispers in his ear and you’re the one living life like a cynic with a box of tissues attached to your hip, while he attempts his best to exchange saliva with a girl he will never see the morning after.

When you’re staring each other in the face, it’s like nothing ever happened. Like a calm before a storm, except no storm was to be expected. Then, throw a few familiar faces in that mixture you call life and you’re suddenly just another face in the crowd not worth knowing.

Building a foundation for years to come only to never live it out together. How ironic. I guess that’s life though, out of your hands, and, uncontrollable.

Open the windows and smell the fresh air; this fire was out long ago.

Let bygones be bygones; because he hasn’t.

“So put your foot to the floor darling and don’t look back”