Mirrors

“The times they are a changing”

Four years go by then with a sudden change, your whole world comes crashing down and you’re left helpless like a wounded soldier in the middle of a deserted minefield. Wondering what you did wrong, or what you could have done to try and prevent it from happening, if you had another chance. But you didn’t, and never will. That one weekend changed everything. Makes you wonder what if he went the weekend before, or after, would you be sitting here reading this with such intensity or would you be out replicating a(ny) weekend from the past your years? Something we will never know.

That mutual friend draws you back together but can’t quite complete the sketch. The pen of tragedy was working hard while you’re trying to re-write your own happiness. He extends the arm for you to grab on to, but your grip isn’t water tight because someone else is in the picture. And he can’t decide who wants to stay. Decisions, decisions. He has made his bed, now he can lie in it and face the consequences of poor choices. Like a fish out of water, flip, flop, flip flop. Back and forth, doesn’t know what he’s doing. He fed you spoonfuls of bullshit and you did your job at consuming it.

Just when you thought that door was slammed shut permanently, and you’re near the top of conquering Mount Heartache, he decides to knock that door down and make himself comfortable in you’re still semi-heartbroken life. Whispers in his ear and you’re the one living life like a cynic with a box of tissues attached to your hip, while he attempts his best to exchange saliva with a girl he will never see the morning after.

When you’re staring each other in the face, it’s like nothing ever happened. Like a calm before a storm, except no storm was to be expected. Then, throw a few familiar faces in that mixture you call life and you’re suddenly just another face in the crowd not worth knowing.

Building a foundation for years to come only to never live it out together. How ironic. I guess that’s life though, out of your hands, and, uncontrollable.

Open the windows and smell the fresh air; this fire was out long ago.

Let bygones be bygones; because he hasn’t.

“So put your foot to the floor darling and don’t look back”

Best friends & hypocrites

“Now you can’t break the ties that bind.”

When subtleties come to the fore and make themselves seen, suddenly everything is different. Thoughts may become even more caged while wandering eyes must remain idle. Then, you… I, realize that the thought hiding away in the back of my mind may become reality. But that’s worse case scenario, and we don’t want that happening. And as unconvincing as that last sentence sounds, know that I mean it. Fuck it; you’re never going to read this anyway, so does that make it unneeded justification or self validation? How the mind boggles. Your choice, or is it mine? You can decide. Looks like it’s yours.

Happiness comes at a price & so does selflessness, this is about me, for a change. Cynicism is making itself known, with the thoughts of it not lasting sprinting through my head and how that will affect things. How it will affect us, collectively. But airing my thoughts in the open would carry its own trouble. So I’ll leave those thoughts tucked away and let them bounce off my own bedroom walls, where I can catch them and keep recycling them. Then the feeling of guilt rings in to make its difficult appointment with my conscience. If things don’t end up so sweet in X amount of years can there be a positive outcome? You know, being split down the middle. Allegiances lie deeper in one camp than the other, but even then, it is not as clear cut as it once was. Routines wouldn’t be so routinely anymore, and time would have to be split. But that’s all hypothetical’s anyway, let’s not worry about that, until it rears its ugly head. Then it shall be dealt with in due course.

There I am, alone in the corner. Isolated in an empty room full of thoughts, imagining what’s being exchanged over a drink or two. But that’s all that can be done, imagine. I might run across someone’s lips once or twice, but that’s the only appearance I’ll ever make, for a while it seems anyway. And as I sat there unknowingly in the back of their minds, tucked away behind a million and one other thoughts, one day I will be seen. One day, when it’s probably too late. And here I was thinking I was optimistic.

Spots on leopards never change and some people just don’t grow up. But that can be expected with limited brain power. Oh, how harsh of me to look down on others from my higher place of moral ground. Stiff shit. You have to look up at everyone anyway, you should be used to it. Bitch.

A little rigid, and a little off centre. Fuck it, it was about time I mixed things up.

You’re your own worst critic. That I am.

“Sometimes you need to be selfish.”