Broken hearts & watery eyes

“You’re the only one who really cares.”

And there it is again, another “promise” severed. The door is bolted shut and it seems it won’t open ever again. The irregular heart beat remains, but only on one side of the wall. All it takes is one sentence to be spoken and your darkest fears are suddenly staring you right in the face and all you can do is share stories with your heartbreak in the back corner. Suddenly your computer screen is the bearer of bad news and your once ideal world is no longer a model for perfection. So there you are, downing bottles of champagne, locked away, away from the world, attempting to drown your broken heart albeit only for a few hours. But the pain will just be as real come 12 hours and will still be looking at you eye to eye and will have you questioning where you potentially went wrong. You can’t hide from your insecurities though. They’ll always be there, every moment, of every day, staring back at you in the bathroom mirror every morning. Then all that’s running through your mind are what ifs and alternate scenarios, but you’re too tired to keep up with them.

Shaken to your core by another “man” once more, and in an instant, he’s up and left just like the others. Seems to be an all too familiar trend. Once you’re through the walls and crossed over the trust lines, when you think it’s all plain sailing, someone decides to take a shit in your life and smear it all over the happy bits. Then you sit there pondering what you’ve done or where you could have done different. Before you know it, your mascara has left a black trail of sadness down your cheeks and you’re left dehydrated because of that salty taste. Then you’re back to places that only house welled up eyes and shattered hearts that are in a million different pieces. It still doesn’t get any easier, though. No matter how many times you’re abandoned, it’s never easy enough to smile and say you’ll be fine and get on with it. That would be too easy. What would life be without its hurdles? Problem is, you’re thrown out on the track far too often and you don’t have the energy to keep jumping the obstacles that are thrown at you in these times of adversity.

You can only put up with so much before breaking point is no longer on the horizon. Before it’s a distant thought…. Before it’s looking you eye to eye and taunting you. Then you try and end it, and everything you’ve ever known will be gone. Including you. Such an irreversible idea doesn’t just come out of thin air. Suddenly you’re warming to the act and it’s become more than a friend. It’s begun seducing you and it’s left you naked, and exposed. It’s stripped you down to the bone, down to your core and nothing has been left to the imagination. Except your insides. That black heart isn’t so dark anymore and now you’re more recognizable.

And as time wears on, and that solo plays throughout my headphones for the umpteenth time, and as I lose myself in its sheer brilliance familiar thoughts start darting across my mind that had temporarily hidden themselves away. Now, they’re out in the open for all to criticize and pass judgment.

You’ve opened up to those who are luckily enough but the walls still remain. Although your doors are still locked, and your heart is still caged. That is something that will never change.

“He left.”

Novelties & Pretenses

“I liked him a lot.”

Five months on and those bridges are still burnt and they don’t look like they’re going to be resurrected any time soon. Decisions made, and still unchanged have left you wondering what could have been and the mere thought eats away at you and sits itself not so comfortably at the front of your mind. But that is all you can do, wonder.

It had to start somewhere. That Saturday night you were just another unfamiliar face to each other, both with just a friend in tow and looking to severely batter your liver. Then all of a sudden you’re introducing your tongue to his friend and all he can do is stand there and watch and turn green with envy. But that was only temporary. You’re tracked down and he appears in the form of a red box and before you know it you’re swapping numbers and flirting over coffee. Then that little switch is flicked and realizations are made but like every girl, you’re not sure whether it’s for better or worse and uncontrolled paranoia makes itself known every now and then.

Feelings grow with each encounter and after initiating contact, lack of protection stops things growing and going further. But all in due course, bonds were made, only to be broken further down the track after the walls came down, and just as quick as they came down, they shot back up just as fast. Melancholy sneaks in and has front row seats to a show that’s ending is imminent. Climaxes finally reached after you’ve bared all and there isn’t worth much left to watch in this cliché and all there is left to do is sit and wonder where it all went wrong. Your world comes crashing down after the truth is revealed and your initial thoughts prove you right for the umpteenth time.

Drunken thoughts combined with a keypad put the final nail in the coffin and bury what you had once and for all. And that’s where it shall stay – buried in the crevices of your mind and memories will remain but will only surface selectively. Don’t let the finale be the memory to ignite you with spite.

Small steps paved the way for what proved to be an eventual return to those walls standing tall once again. Just as everything was falling into place deceit and other five foot something’s got in the way of your little fairytale. It’s always the way.

And just like that, you’re no longer filling the void.

“I hope you’re happy.”